Not Sure What to Call This Post. . .

Complaining. It's such an ugly thing to do. I've spent a lot of time over the last week complaining. Some of it was OK, I think. I was really sick last week, sicker than I think I've ever been. I'm pretty sure I ate some potato salad that was made with raw eggs. At least that's what I'm blaming it on! I had horrible stomach cramps, awful headaches, and dare I mention, the runs??! Ewww!! It was just an awful week. It started Saturday night and I spent several days in bed or on the couch, only getting up to wipe Emma's bottom after she used the toilet! (as if I wasn't already wiping enough!). I hardly had anything to eat. By Thursday, I felt better, but even through the weekend, I was so tired. That sickness just wiped me out! I guess I felt justified in complaining about it.
However, there were other things that I complained about that weren't OK. We learned this week that we will probably live in the smaller house, the one we originally thought we'd live in. Previously, I'd written about another house that was available, a bigger house with much more room for our things and for Emma to run around. Well, due to some things that are really out of our control, we aren't able to live in the second house. Oh boy, did I whine and complain this week and weekend. We both did. It was kind of ugly. I complained because our things won't fit in the first house; we'll have to store some things elsewhere. I complained because the fence around the pool isn't safe enough to keep Emma out; yes, we have a pool. I complained because I won't have a craft room or computer room or extra room at all for that matter. I complained because we don't have enough room to invite multiple families over. I complained because our closets are going to be in another room; they won't fit in our room. I complained and complained and I felt so ugly inside. We complained that Kevin's tools and many other things will have to be stored somewhere else. We complained because we have to pay for the security fence around the property that we were told we had to have installed for safety purposes. Boy, did we complain. On Sunday afternoon, we laid on the bed, complaining to each other that we were sick of complaining. Kevin decided to go get some coffee and Tai Latte Tea from the bakery. That would make us feel better. Well, he returned with the hotel coffee. I laughed sarcastically. Why should I have expected that he would have the yummy stuff I wanted? The bakery was closed. Almost nothing is open on Sundays, including the grocery store. Grrr. Then Kevin told me a story. On his way back from the bakery, he passed a young girl, about twelve years old, pushing a wheelbarrow full of sticks and cardboard, things that she could burn to heat her shack, presumably. About twenty yards behind her, was a woman, maybe the mother, pushing another wheelbarrow full of items to burn. Behind her was another woman, possibly the grandmother, carrying a large piece of wood on her shoulder. I was quiet, knowing what the point was. Then Kevin said, "You know, I bet they were just thankful to have two wheelbarrows." How true and how convicting.
I've spent the last few hours thinking about that story and about my life. The truth is, I've been complaining a lot lately. Things are different here. Things are uncomfortable a lot of the time. I don't have control of so much of what happens. My response to this transition in life is very telling of my character. I'm sad at what it's revealing. Phil. 4:11-12 comes to mind, "...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Honestly, if you asked my husband, content is just not a word he could use to describe me right now. While I'm being honest, maybe I'll share a little more. So much more of this involves other things, namely one. Kevin and I would like to have another baby. This is out of our control, as are most things in life right now. As much as we have prayed and tried, it is not God's timing. I've whined, I've complained, I've prayed. Our hearts ache and we don't understand. We are incredibly blessed with Emma, far beyond what we ever could have asked or imagined. We would love to give her a little brother or sister to play with. We pray every night with her for God to give us this blessing. It's a trial I really don't want to face for another 3 years, or another month for that matter. Then I remember where I was emotionally about three years ago, before getting pregnant with Emma. That summer, I felt such a peace from God. I had come to a place of contentment. I didn't know if I'd ever be able to get pregnant. We had spent almost three years trying and I came to a place where I knew absolutely that it was out of my hands. I said, "God, you know my heart. You know our desire to be parents. I am going to trust that the road you take us on will bring us closer to you. I am going to trust that you know my deepest desires and you know what is best. I trust you."
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really reach the place where I feel like I'm "there". Do I really have to relearn things? Don't I remember that there are so many people who are less fortunate than us? Why can't I remember that God is big enough to give us another child? Can't I remember to be thankful for the many blessings I already have? Why is it so hard to hold on to these lessons, these truths that I have learned?
I was just thinking that in order to remember some things, I need to see them written. A few verses are encouraging me today. "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."Col. 3:12 and "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."Phil. 4:8 and "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."2Thess.5:16-18.
I want to be content regardless of my circumstances. I want to love people, regardless of their ickiness and mine. I want to say "Thank you God" because there is always something to be thankful for. I need to remember at the end of the day (and during, for that matter), that I am loved by a God who is far bigger than anything I could ever imagine. For that, I am thankful.
I have a very dear friend who loves me well. She allows me to process life outloud. She sees the messiness of my life and knows that I'm in process. I haven't arrived and I probably never will. But I'm on this journey and I so badly want to end the race hearing, "Well done Sandi. Well done." So I guess this post is just about me being honest, sharing life outloud, sharing the ickiness of where I am right now. I have a friend who wrote me a note, saying, "there is freedom in not having to know what's going on or how to do things always....freedom in letting go of the facade of having it together." Welcome freedom:) I don't have anything together!!
(FYI: I feel much better after this post!)