"Class-eek," he said, with a thick Brazilian accent, but in English nonetheless. I stared at the screen and began counting silently to myself. I quit when the number reached 13. Huh. That's always been a number I liked. Not that day. The doctor manuevered the wand to the right side and as the picture came into focus, I began counting again. I didn't finish because he was speaking to me in his language and trying to explain something. I couldn't count in English and translate Portuguese to English at the same time, so I chose to do the latter. As I laid on the exam table listening to his medical opinion, a thousand other thoughts and questions were racing through my mind. Not again. The exam was over before I had time to process what had happened. He told me I could get dressed and then return to the waiting area "quando voce esta pronta". He and the nurse left the room and I stood barefoot in my hospital gown. Tears filled my eyes and the emotion of the moment filled my heart. I realized that I had put on my "game face" for the previous half hour. I had spoken in Portuguese, very matter-of-factly, and used little English. I had explained our purpose for the appointment and that we'd like to have another child. I had held myself together. My hands were shaking as I pulled my clothes off the hangers. I took a deep breath and dressed quickly, wanting only to return to my husband and daughter in the waiting room. I had had no expectations for the appointment, but hearing the doctor's diagnosis of a "classic" case of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and seeing the numerous cysts covering my ovaries was not something I was prepared for. I'm not sure why I wasn't prepared; it was oddly similar to another appointment I had several years ago. Maybe my hope was greater, knowing that God had blessed us with Emma, even after our first doctor had told us that it would be impossible. Our new doctor ran a few more tests and then said, "Boa viagem!" It was a Friday morning, the day we left for Buenos Aires.
A few days into our vacation, Kevin recieved a phone call from our doctor in Porto Alegre. The connection wasn't very clear, but the message was: "It is impossible for you to conceive a child unless you go through In-Vitro Fertilization." What? Really? But what about Emma? How did that happen? Isn't there another option? "The results of your tests are not good. I'm not even sure how you were able to conceive your first child." What are you saying? "Call me when you're ready to proceed."
We sat together with the heaviness of the message weighing us down. We just stared at each other, then at the floor, not sure of what we were supposed to do. Still not sure of what we're supposed to do.
I took this picture while we were waiting for Dr. Frantz in his office. This is just a tiny portion of the city of Porto Alegre. Thousands and thousands of people. Thousands of children. Babies are born every minute around the world. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be too much to ask for another one.
We've known for a very long time that our bodies are not "normal". Imperfect, if you will. I've struggled with questioning God, "Why in the world would you create us in a way that's dysfunctional? Why would You do that and then tell me I'm 'fearfully and wonderfully made'?" Did He forget about me? About us? Does that verse apply to me?
One day as I was reading, I came across the story of the man who was born blind. Jesus is walking with his disciples and one of them asked, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." Wow, all his life he was blind, so that on that particular day, at that moment, God would be glorified.
Lately, I've been questioning whether I'm really trusting God during this journey or if I've just gotten really good at ignoring a deep desire of my heart. I guess it's a little bit of both. Even though the results of our tests were very discouraging, I've been more encouraged this month than several of the previous months. So many thoughts run thru my mind every day. Some of them have returned over and over to encourage me and give me hope, not hope that I'll get what I want, but hope that God will indeed walk with me and display Himself in my life. I've underlined several thoughts from the most recent book I've been reading, "Strong Women, Soft Hearts" by Paula Rinehart. I haven't finished the book yet, but it's a pretty good one.
In encouraging me to journal, she writes, "I have been amazed at the personal insight and inner freedom women often gain through writing - especially when the writing consists of words they have long needed to say, but for some reason could not." I keep a journal with my Bible, but lately, my blog has become my journal. It's been both therapeutic and freeing for me to share some of my most personal desires and struggles with friends and total strangers.
The author writes, "If we can talk ourselves out of hoping, then the pangs of disappointment will miss us too. Or so it seems." and "I see myself, pretending I have no expectations so I don't have to grapple with the loss of something." Sometimes I think if I just try to forget about my desire to have another child, I won't be so crushed when my little visitor shows up at the end of the month. The reality though, is that the desire is still there and it's a good desire, so I don't want to try to forget it. I want to be honest about it. I think it's easier for me to write about than to talk about it. I never have been good at finding the right words at the right time. They always seem to come later, after a lot of thinking.
The issue of control comes up and she writes, "Control is the most subtle of dynamics, as natural as the air you breathe. It's the insistence that your life follow a particular path. We tote it through life. . . until it dawns on us that IT'S NOT HAPPENING. Or at least not happening in the way we had hoped." What? Me? Controlling? Holy cow, did she write that line for me??
A friend of hers once said to her, "Your dreams aren't going to materialize in the way you have hoped - even the ones you thought God gave you. Some will turn out better than you could ever imagine. Some will go belly up. And hardly any will match the picture in your mind." Again, I think that was written for me. Although I dreamed of what my family would look like, I never could have imagined a child as incredible as Emma. Talk about "more than I could ask or imagine!" I never dreamed I would be married to a man as humble and loving and patient and talented and deep as Kevin. Again, more than I asked or imagined. Kevin and I have always talked about living in a foreign country, but I'm not sure I ever really believed it was possible, or that I'd grow so much from the experience.
So as I go on dreaming about another child, I hesitate to demand. I hesitate when the thought crosses my mind that "it's just not fair". See, God's track record in my life has been 100% and I can't imagine where I'd be if I had been calling the shots. It's been so hard for me to give up my plan for our family, but the less I cling to it, the more free I feel. Rinehart writes, "But accepting the mystery of what we cannot know will lead us to the heart of God where we trade our craving for explanation for a simple willingness to trust."
We've had two fertility specialists inform us that our bodies are incapable of conceiving a child without the assitance of In-Vitro Fertilization. While I am certain that the doctors were reading the results correctly, I very clearly remember not going through IVF for Emma. Maybe that's the road we'll take this time. Maybe not. We're not really sure at this point. However, I'm very certain God gave us a miracle. Her name is Emma Jae and I am so incredibly grateful for her. Although I crave explanation more often than I care to admit, I feel like I'm choosing to trust right now. I'm going to trust that God knows me. He knows my deep desires. He loves me and His plan will be nothing short of loving, even if I can't see that at times.
Thanks for reading another really long post. Some of this has been weighing on my heart quite a bit over the last month, so it feels good to unload a little weight.
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